So here's a sentence I wouldn't have imagined needing to type a week ago -- My son had a biopsy day before yesterday. The results came in this morning and I'm relieved to report he's facing the most manageable and least scary thing he could reasonably expect given his symptoms. His condition will be manageable "but highly annoying" as T. put it. Six months from now he will most likely be fully stabilized or very close to it. I know him to be physically resilient and mentally determined so I have a lot of confidence and faith. Also - as a cancerian mama's mama with venus and mercury in that sign - I deeply cherish the blessing of being able to care for him myself as much as he needs/will allow. so there's that.
and then about three hours after the guys got home from the hospital
J. sent me a text stating he was being laid off from work. As in - this was happening right then and there while I was smiling into space thinking right now I'm two-thirds as relaxed yet also ready to stand tough as I can hope to be in today's world.
So okay. Those things both happened. As I sat with my gratitude journal that evening I realized my two biggest what-if fears that have seeded themselves since the pandemic officially became our collective reality - those two enormous things I made an effort not to consider or otherwise 'call' into our general environment - neither of them require diligent ongoing CBT type management any more. I'm now set on the path of dealing with my fears* however they play out day to day. Rather than periodically scaring myself with them or otherwise letting them manage my state of mind. I don't have to prepare (or even more to the point of my own pointy personality - 'fail' to prepare) for these things happening as an abstract exercise. They're now what IS happening at the ongoing life level. So ... okay?
The pandemic is an ongoing constantly obvious feature here in MA. We will use an abundance of care and precaution same as we've been doing for the past however many weeks it's been now. All three of us are so into the groove of what we make of our days and strange domestically distanced evenings that we no longer ask each other how long it's been since This began. We don't care what was or for how long. We care about seeing this through one piece at a time. We care even more about each other and all those we know who are going through incredibly mettle-testing experiences - several directly involving The Corona. Mercifully enough there have been no additional deaths to process and grieve. Wish so much and so hard that could be true for everyone. everywhere.
My sense is that J. will land on his feet one way or another because that's his best and brightest Raven trick-of-many. It's helped unwind and stabilize my own pulse rate to witness how his friends and tech colleagues have rallied around him in the past 48. He has a modest array of options that probably put us in a rare percentile of folks suddenly faced with this all too common scenario of the times.
We remain grateful and committed to living our own version of a best life. Once we had T's diagnosis this morning and understood the time frame involved with him beginning to feel more physically comfortable, we both loosened up enough to go pitch-dark with our humor level concerning This Other Thing. We laughed a great deal all things considered.
If it's not pouring rain or snowing we've been outside working the land as much as our bodies will allow on any given day. As you can see the little stream is looking mighty fine as Spring finds a stronger hold on the landscape.
*something that's been running through my head & heart ever since T. texted us to say he needed a biopsy - a quote I may be paraphrasing inadvertently. Over time I've noticed it periodically resurfacing. Attribution goes to one of the native american men (forget name. Didn't see it in reading quickly through my choice of linked material - if you know please put it in comments) who physically created much of NYC's skyline. "Mohawks don't try to smother our fear - we deal with it."
The first time I saw the words it was in an old Life or Look magazine feature on NYC skyscrapers. I remember myself as being tween-aged but I could have been as old as my earliest 20's. The idea seemed so radically pure and liberating that I adopted the contextual message as personal words to live by ever after.